Can you Love and be Angry at the same time?
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Can you Love and be Angry at the same time?
Bamidbar
Yisroel Susskind, Ph.D.May 2017
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President Lyndon Johnson was contemptuous of Gerald Ford's intellectual abilities. One version of Johnson's caustic evaluation
was :
Can you do the emotional multitasking equivalent of walking and chewing gum at the same time?
Current experts in marriage advise that a crucial component of marital success is the ability to simultaneously stay in touch with your love for your spouse, even while you are angry at them. This skill is part of "emotional self-regulation" and the avoiding of " Black/White thinking".
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"I hate you! How can you ask me to have any respect for you? You are stupid ,coarse, and insensitive. And, you are ruining our family. I should have married Chaim. I can't put up with you any more ! I can't and I won't! " The wife screamed at her husband, her body language mirroring the contempt in her words.
(While this example involves an angry wife, he same process holds true for angry husbands.)
Did she really mean what she said? Not really. And the next day she apologized, asserting that she did not mean to be so harsh, that she did not really want a divorce.
"I was so hurt and frightened, that all I could see was my pain. I know it was wrong and false for me to speak the way I did."
However, her "knowing" did not prevent the outburst. Her anger had blocked out any awareness of the good things provided by her husband. Nor was she aware of the pain she was causing him.
But, could she repair the damage? Could she "take back" her words? No guarantee here; contempt can leave indelible stains on the relationship. So what do we do to prevent such outbursts?
Our parsha suggests a possible answer.
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Early in the parsha (Num.1:6-15) Moses appoints "princes", each to act as his tribe's representative.
And then, there is a "redundant" second mentioning of these "men" in verses 16-17. Further, they are now referred to with elaborate titles such as "the designated ones", ["asher nikvoo", אשר נקבו ].
The Lubavitcher Rebbe asks why were these leaders mentioned here a second time, with their elaborate titles The text could have simply said, "and Moses took the Princes."
I raise a second question. The Torah here uses an unusual word for "designated", namely, "nikvoo". For one, the usage is unusual since "nikvoo" is a root with very feminine associations; nakav is the root for nekaiva, meaning female. Further, that root has many meanings and only infrequently is it used in the Five Books to mean "designate." Yet further, these Princes were very "masculine" individuals, powerful both materially and spiritually. Why not use a more "masculine" verb and say, "These were the men who were remembered, where the root for "remembered" is zachar, the same as the root for "Male". Why, by allusion, does Torah here "feminize" the Princes?
The answer to both these questions involves the integration of components of our minds and hearts.
The Lubavitcher Rebbe explains that at the first mentioning of the Princes, they were the parochial representatives of the separate tribes, each tribe with its own qualities.
But by verse 16, they are being referred to as representatives of the entire Congregation, who are expected to integrate the needs of the whole Nation. Therefore they receive other titles. Yes, each Prince will bring the individual strengths of his tribes; however, he will integrate them to serve the needs of the Nation.
Image from Rabbi Yitzchak Ginsburgh's The Mystery of Marriage
What does this integrative role have to do with using the feminine root, nakav, for the adjective "designated"? Our task, as people, is to blend many polar opposites, such as Male and Female. Each Prince would need to draw on the masculine qualities of his soul, such as freely flowing energy (chesed) and the ability to stand independent. Nonetheless, he would have to utilize the powers residing in his feminine soul: self-discipline (gevurah) and the ability to self-abnegate in the interests of unity.
We have been blending opposites since Passover, as we have been counting the 49 "days of the Omer." Each of the 49 days represents a dyad, a harmonious blending of pairs of the 7 primordial Kabbalistic energies ("sefirot"). We will conclude that counting next week, at the Shavuos (Pentacost) holiday.
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The wife above was a wonderful person in many contexts; but she was not an integrated person.
emotional dysregulation
She was carrying a toxic barrel of old pain. When she was hurt in her marriage, the old pain spilled out of the barrel and overwhelmed her. Momentarily, she became uni-dimensional, perceiving her husband solely as evil. She then lost any influence to correct his flaws.
Most people can learn to be integrated. Let me briefly describe two paths to integration.
The first approach uses an ongoing mental exercise, such as the following:
I notice the signs that I am being "flooded" ( pounding heart rate, loud and rapid speech, judgmental
language....) ; I then realize that I am out of balance and I refuse to accept my thoughts and accusations as valid; I do not accuse until I have relaxed myself and have returned to a state of balance. I can then express my needs in a way that is fair and that can be heard.
I make it a rule that before I complain, I express fair and honest appreciation. For example: " I know that many times you give to me generously; you did so last week when....But I don't understand how you could have done x to me today. Why? I am willing to hear an explanation if there is one. Do you realize how you hurt me?"
A second route is longer and more complex. It means entering therapy to dig into ones unconscious to drain the toxic fluids in the barrel.
Most people can learn to act in an integrated way. Their marriages succeed.
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May we learn to emulate Hashem and to be a "nosai hofchi'im", a dialectical person who can powerfully discuss a friend's flaws, while also conveying caring and respect. May Hashem do the same for us and bring us the Ultimate Integration, with the coming of Moshiach, immediately.
Dr. Yisroel Susskind is a clinical psychologist who practices locally (in Monsey, New York) and internationally (over the telephone and computer). He lectures worldwide on topics involving Torah, psychology, marriage and interpersonal relationships. He can be reached via email (This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.) or by phone (845-304-5481).
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